Guaranteed Not To Work! Ten Easy Steps To Web Site Failure
Summary: Use meaningless information and confusing presentation whenever possible.
Make your website load slowly. Like a fine wine, you don't want to spoil the experience by having it peak too soon.
Limit the amount of useful information you provide. Research shows that website users enjoy an abundance of worthless filler. Additionally, Google and Yahoo give extra points for pages that go on and on and on but say nothing!
Navigation menus should be unclear. It's even better if you can hide them altogether. They're overrated... plus people love mysteries.
Make things hard to find. People love games and will be more than happy to hunt around your website to find what they're looking for. They will come back again and again just for the joy it brings.
Ignore user feedback and suggestions. They are such a waste of time! (And, after all, what do they know?!)
Avoid usability testing. Another time-waster.
Ensure at least some links don't work right. People don't mind; in fact, it's somewhat endearing.
Use garish colors, and colors that contrast poorly. Besides, text is really overrated. Nobody really reads anymore.
Include useless animations displays. They will make your website stand out.
Use all CAPITAL LETTERS; people love them because they are so easy to read.
Use long paragraphs and long pages that discourage quick scanning of material.
Make sure graphics and photo files are humongous sizes. At least half a megabyte. Research now shows that, despite conventional wisdom, people really do like waiting. This is especially true for younger people!
Remember: We all like to wait and be confused and frustrated!
Bonus Tips
Use low-contrast text and backgrounds. Much easier to read.
Avoid plain language. It's insulting. Use industry jargon whenever possible.
Remember, using words and phrases that your audience doesn't understand is a sign of higher intelligence.
Sprinkle in spelling mistakes and convoluted grammar. They make people feel comfortable.
Violate people's privacy whenever possible. It shows that you care and adds a nice personal touch.
Make your website load slowly. Like a fine wine, you don't want to spoil the experience by having it peak too soon.